5 Hours Since His Last Text

He is driving me insane. Absolutely insane. Completely insane.

I believe he likes me. (God, I sound like I’m in school all over again). But Im fairly certain he likes me. We began our rendezvous through Facebook messaging. A couple of days of days back, we graduated to texting and been a joy. We’ve been at it all day! Random small talk of course and our back and forth goes on with gaps extending to half an hour or an hour. But 5 hours??!! What the hell, I might pull my hair out.

To make myself feel a little better, he’s probably at a wedding event with family. He has his cousin’s wedding tomorrow. Wow, from stalking Biceps no. 1 on Facebook to him telling me what he’s up to. It seems to me he is clueless when It comes to girls. Even if he is fine around women, definitely nobody like me. I don’t know how to explain this but I’m a little less small-town than the other girls he is usually around. 

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh.. Biceps no. 1!! Reply already!

The Tiger

TIGER, tiger, burning bright 
In the forests of the night, 
What immortal hand or eye 
Could frame thy fearful symmetry? 

In what distant deeps or skies 
Burnt the fire of thine eyes? 
On what wings dare he aspire? 
What the hand dare seize the fire? 

And what shoulder and what art 
Could twist the sinews of thy heart? 
And when thy heart began to beat, 
What dread hand and what dread feet? 

What the hammer? what the chain? 
In what furnace was thy brain? 
What the anvil? What dread grasp 
Dare its deadly terrors clasp? 

When the stars threw down their spears, 
And water’d heaven with their tears, 
Did He smile His work to see? 
Did He who made the lamb make thee? 

Tiger, tiger, burning bright 
In the forests of the night, 
What immortal hand or eye 
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

Here is ‘The Tiger’, a poem from the Songs of Innocence and Experience, by William Blake. 

I have to admit, The Tiger is definitely one of my favourite compositions. It is written after the The Lamb which may be seen as a comparison, that the same hand that made a creature as timid as the lamb could also be the source of the might Tiger.

The reason as to why I like this poem is because it is just so powerful!

The author, in my opinion, is trying to show the power of God. We have a creature, as mighty, as “fearful” as the Tiger, who no man would willingly go up against, and then to think some(for the sake of giving God a comprehensive figure)body had to think and assemble such strength. How powerful does that make the Maker?

And then again towards the end we see the comparison of the lamb to the tiger. Here, it seems, the author reiterates that just the same way that He who created the Lamb, also created the Tiger. Out here in the outside world, He who created all that is good is good in the world, all the light, also created the dark side, and that what we call evil?

What if It’s you?

April 2013, weight- 84.6 kgs

The Summer of 2013 was like pressing the refresh button on my life. As my third year in college continued, I had begun to be anti-social. I didn’t care to really make the effort of keeping in touch with anybody (because naturally, If anybody wanted to talk to me they could call for themselves). The ones who didn’t call, weren’t worth it. And going out lost it’s charm because it was the same people doing the same things over and over again. Then came Summer and I left for Harvard Summer School. There is a lot I can say about my experience there from the Professors to my crazy ass routines, but that’s for another day.

As I began to socialise, I was never too disheartened by not having a romantic life on the side or have anybody hit on me because I knew It was because I was fat. I really couldn’t blame anybody for that, but me.

January, 2014, weight- 77.3 kgs

With time running out and my brother’s wedding in less than 3 weeks away, I am happy to say the gym and I are going strong. I have been religiously going to the gym daily (except Mondays because the Golf Course is closed then) and for various reasons, I am enjoying myself. Honestly, I now think my brother’s wedding is not even a huge factor in my loyalty to the gym, It is more about self satisfaction, but that too is a story made for another day.

Today, while watching ‘You’ve Got Mail’ and staring, yes I admit It’s a little pathetic, at my laptops screen for my crush to respond to a Facebook message, I began to wonder what If my life is Meg Ryan’s life but unlike the second half of the movie. What if when Meg Ryan get’s into bed, after being stood up and speaking to a man who made her realize the non-dreamy stature of people, sad and alone is my reality. She later sits in a cafe with her newly ex-boyfriend and answers his question, about whether there was anybody else in her life, with a no but that there was a dream of somebody in the future. Honestly I see my dream fading. 

I don’t show it, public display of emotions doesn’t come easy to me, but I am a hardcore romantic. I am clinging to the hope of a happy ending. If not a happily ever after, at least not a lonely death. But as I waited for my mail, I began to wonder. He said I’m pretty, I have been losing weight, he acknowledged that too, what if he is not interested with the few mails we have had to exchange. It’s not me being fat anymore, if he stops being interested, the issue is me. And I think that is going to be one hard pill to swallow. Because, weight I can manage! It might take a year, it might take two but that is something I can assess with a weighing scale. But what if the problem is me? What if It’s my personality? With such less self-esteem already, I don’t know how much more rejection I can take.

Retrospect

 

 

 

 

Photo from a Google image search for when Jenna hits rock bottom in the Season 3 of Awkward. (awkward.wikia.com)

So last week I saw the episode of Awkward when Jenna gave in to her teenage urge of living in the moment and makes out with Collin in his car. I have to say, I loved it! So instead of waiting to watch an episode a day or even less, I decided to stream the following episodes online and watch them asap! 

It is amazing how much I could relate to Jenna in the next few episodes. I mean, not the whole one boyfriend then the other and then the other. But I remember going through this rebelious phase when I was 18 and I feel so stupid now. At that point alcohol, boys, attention, friends, sex was everything! And if I had excess of anything, there was nothing wrong with it because I was right and I was living in the moment and of course I was an adult then and my parents knew nothing. I remember thinking my Mom didn’t understand what It was like to be a teenager in the 21st century and yes, TWICE in my drunken righteousness I threatened to leave home and live on my own because I could definitely make it on my own with the help of my friends. After all, the only reason I was even sticking around was because what would my family do without me. Oh and then there were the times when I wanted to run away from home because I was a horrible, horrible human being and my family is the greatest family on the planet so they do not deserve me. Ha, it’s a little funny now but honestly, I am still embarrassed for what an asshole I was.

Then just like Jenna, It was time to clean up my act and say my apologies. It took time was that phase to be forgotten and although the memories still linger I am happy to realize that we have moved past it and I managed to grow from the experience. This deserves a smiley face 🙂

 

From family drama to puppy love

I originally started this post as ‘*that feeling when your super-duper crush sends you a friend request on Facebook*”, but then I think I can build up to that in a bit.

A lot has been going on my head in the past few hours. It started with Dad getting drunk and getting back to square one with his whole mom-is-the-worst routine and landing up leaving home because ‘this is not his home’, ‘this is not his family’, ‘you guys can go to hell for all i care’. The annoying bit here is that although they already may have damaged my hope for a happily ever after as it is, they still don’t quit. I mean I get it you hate each other one minute but are co-dependent because let’s face it- at the end of the end nobody wants to be alone. My issue here is why am I caught up in this drama? Are all 21-year olds supposed to have this much to consider. Alright, I get that It’s time I start being an adult and yes, I think there are a whole lot things I need to change in order to pretend to be one but does being an adult also mean you still need to consider everybody else? I thought being an adult meant you are then responsible to yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I will always have my obligation and commitment to my loved ones but am I responsible for them and their lives too? Specifically if those loved ones are my parents? Aren’t they adults and shouldn’t they figure it out on it’s own.

Further.. Let me just state facts here so that I can come back to this when my brain fogs up (Wayy too many things to remember!!). So, I have been living in my home for about 20 years now. Essentially this is my Grandfather’s house. My Mom has one sister who has been living in the United States with her own two kids for as long as I can remember. Not only do they own the house they live in, but also own a second home which they make rent off of. Now, the catch in their seemingly luxurious lifestyle is they spent more than they could afford for the sake of living their dream life and are now in a decent amount of debt which my Aunt makes a point for us to know at all possible opportunities! Coming back to my home, the property costs exactly 1 rupee. This home is priceless. It shall never be sold and for all my 21 years I thought that was an accepted idea. This is home base. Not just for me and my brother but everybody in our immediate family. I could live my live in Finland while my brother would be in Oman but the house would remain forever. For the simple reason that at any point if anybody in the family wants to come back and just touch our roots, they can. My aunt apparently has this another idea where we sell the house eventually and split the money between my brother, her two sons and me. The thought is sickening me. It is pathetic. I know, I know It makes sense and she is just looking out for her kids but honestly, If I had the audacity to buy two homes in the US and my brother had been making his life in our childhood home for the past 20 years, I would give him a hug and kiss and sign the papers so this home may be passed on through our family tree. “Look kids! Thats where your Aunt used to paint.” or “Oh! There is where your Dad fell and got stitches.” I can’t wait to earn big money and buy my Aunt out so my brother and I can go on to being the family I would have liked us all to be.

Next, I must make a concrete 5 year plan so hopefully in 10 years we can live out the afore mentioned.

And now ladies and gentlemen… After all my brain cluttering… Biceps no. 1 sent me a friend request on Facebook!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh… I swear It would seem he asked me to marry him given the excitement I am exhibiting! But here’s the best part, we don’t have a single common friend, which basically means he would have had to make the effort of searching me out to send the request. And considering he probably wouldn’t have know my last name that means he went through more than just a little trouble!! Ohh happy days, happy days. I do believe I need to curb on the enthusiasm. Definitely reading too much into it and really need to calm down. But after two months, he finally made some kind of move! I mean apart from those tiny gym conversations and the routine ‘hellos’ this is definitely a good thing! Deciding to keep the excitement for now, tomorrow I shall pine for him again and wait for the next whatever it may be.

Blogging seems like a great way to vent.

About time

Hi! Like a whole lot of you out there, this is my first blog. In an ideal world, this blog will turn into a ‘Sex and The City’ version of my life which will make me feel validated of my social life or It may even run a long course such as that of Jenna’s as in the MTV sitcom, ‘Awkward’.

I have also thought, at multiple occasions, to write a book for myself but then my long time mate Procrastination comes along and well.. If there is anybody reading this.. You can imagine. My mum too has tried to force me into writing a book. She says I should write about my time in school. It is true that I have had the most insane schooling- by that I mean from all the trouble one can get in to, to finishing with flying colors in one of the best educational institutions in the country. Honestly, I like the idea of creating a compilation of all the weird shit I’ve done or been a part of but every time I sit to write it, somehow the essence is not captured and every line, every paragraph seems to be lamer by the word. At one point, I even remember coming home wasted and trying to write something then just to make it interesting but the next morning, I woke to a drunken rant on how amazing the world would be if time didn’t exist. God, I really need to know when to stop!

Then we come to how active my brain can be. I mean really! If I could go and live in the world my brain likes to conjure up, that is my paradise. This brings me to the next category I thought I could easily write a compilation or a book on. I am crush whore. There, I said it. I can have a crush on anybody, anytime. And I mean, anybody! I till date have a thing for Ian O’Shea, a fictional character in the book “The Host’ by Stephenie Meyer. But then again, to write of all that goes on in that i-dont-have-a-word-to-describe-it brain of mine, I feel like I won’t be able to to give justice to the inside world. But hey! If somehow this blog thing does work out I might just have a post coming soon on the most recent fantasy. I really do hope this is anonymous. Although I doubt it since I haven’t paid for this service so I’m guessing that’s where the catch lies. If anybody is reading this.. please tell me if you can figure who I am or not. And no, I do not want to write in a journal just because I want this blog to be anonymous. I don’t want people I know to be reading this thats all. Or else I might have to start writing on Microsoft Word and somehow this seems a bit fun-er.

I think I will stop here for now. Consider this a Preface.